I'm Just Splendid

I had a really long night at work last Thursday. It was non-stop and it was chaos. The last patient I had that night was an older gentleman who had cancer. Towards the end of my shift, he looked at me and asked, "Has anyone told you you are a wonderful person today?" To which I replied, "Nope. Not in a long time!" And he said, "Well, now someone has told you. You are a wonderful person. Thank you for all your help."

I froze. I didn't know what to say so I said, "Thank you. That's very kind of you to say." He replied, "I hope someone will tell you that more often." 

I hope so, too. All I have gotten lately are unanswered calls and well-meaning texts that are ignored. I certainly have not been feeling like I am wonderful lately.

If only people were less selfish and realized that their actions affect others...

Here my cancer patient was, getting a blood transfusion, and telling ME how I am wonderful. 

"It was my pleasure being your nurse tonight. I hope you get well soon." We smiled at one another, fist bumped, and I went home.

Nothing like a good cry on a Friday morning. 

Echoes

The days are getting shorter and the nights are getting longer now.

I sit here and watch the sun come up every morning. It's coming up later and later now.

Soon enough, the cycle will reverse again.

It's funny how nostalgia works.

The chill in the air and the feeling on my skin reminds me of times in that apartment and the routine we once had.

The coffee maker would kick off at 6am every weekday morning- the time he woke up, to make his favorite coffee which he would pour into his Contigo cup I bought him to keep it warm so he can take it to work.

He would walk out into the hallway sleepily, waving good morning to me, as I sat on the couch reading or watching tv- the same couch I'm sitting on now. He proceeds into the bathroom to brush his teeth, wash his face, then retreat back into the bedroom to get dressed. He then comes out to the living room, gives me a kiss, and takes Zia out for her morning pee break. Then he would come back, drop Zia off, grab his coffee and his keys, give me another hug and kiss, and leave for work. He was out the door by 6:30, and I would get a text before 7 to let me know he made it safe to work. Every morning. Without fail. Then I would go to bed.

He would get home by 4pm and I would be asleep. He would come in to say hi, give me a kiss, and try his best to be quiet so he won't wake me up, knowing I had to be up in an hour or so to get ready for work. He sent me off to work my 12 hour nightshift in the ER with my hot jasmine green tea, a kiss, and a slap on the butt. 

So off I went, and so did he.

Life is funny like that. 

The Magicians (Edited)

Here's to looking past the things we lack, and focusing on the things we have.

Gratitude:

I am grateful for my friends, for my tiny family, for my dog Zia, for my breath, for my beating heart, and for working the frontlines and still being able to maintain my health. 

I am grateful for the experiences, for it has allowed me to get to know myself.

I am grateful for music, for it has saved me every single time. 

I am grateful for the chance and ability to travel solo and see some of the world. 

I am grateful for every beat of my resilient heart and its efforts in trying to mend itself each time it is injured.

I am grateful that I am able to feel deeply and to care deeply.

I am grateful that I am still not jaded after it all; that I still have it in me to care about others.

I am grateful to have the ability to process things logically. 

I am grateful to still be able to feel; even though I am still broken.

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This dating thing has me scratching my head. The dating culture is nasty and is designed to make people feel like shit. It makes people feel like options- all models in a line-up, waiting to be chosen. It is exhausting and confusing. It is full of games I don't want to play. People seem to always be looking for the next best thing- the greener grass. Have a good connection with someone? Cool. But, let's go make new connections with all these other people and see what happens next. I did not sign up to be on The Bachelor. I am not competing with others for your rose. I am NOT a choice.

I'm tired just thinking about it.

What makes something special? When it's unique. When it only happens once it a while. When it makes your heart flutter.

Connections are rare, few, and far between for me and therefore, they are special. When I finally find that one person interesting enough to deem worthy of my time, I will make the effort to talk to and to hang out. I'll get to know that person. That time and connection means something to me. A good connection leaves me feeling good. It leaves me wanting to come back for more; to know more, to feel more. I want it to continue. I want to see if it can grow and be something more beautiful. Sometimes, these connections end up not working out and they last a couple of months, or they do work out and we end up together for years; which is fine either way. 

When I am present, I am totally present. My focus is on that person. That person is the one I want to know. Why would I spend the time and effort to try to get to know this person if by tomorrow, I will be doing this with someone else? It just devalues the time we just spent together. I can't be having a great night with Ben and then another great night with Dustin tomorrow and then Jared the next night. Too much of the same kind of thing just makes it all seem kind of meaningless. I just don't have it in me. 

But that's just me. The person I meet might still be looking for that other lawn while I'm over here all about them. But that's their right! They have a right to options. That sets me up for heartbreak then, huh? Am I cheating myself of opportunities? Well, fuck. I guess I haven't figured it all out yet. I am open to connect, just have not been compatible with most...

Recently, I met someone who asked me some thought- provoking questions like what are my greatest fears, what makes me angry, and what is my dealbreaker. I answered, but not well. I have thought about them, and I now have better answers. 

My greatest fear is when people go away. Poof, just disappear. Magicians. How someone can go from texting and talking everyday to nothing at all, I will never understand. I will never understand unreplied texts or unreturned phone calls. I have learned that no one is ever too busy to do the things they want. It is all about priorities. In this day and age digital devices, we have so many ways to keep in touch. It takes but a minute- less than a minute, to text back SOMETHING. It's just common human decency. When a text is ignored, that person is choosing not to reply. They are lacking that very tiny bit of heart and common decency. I will never understand the ghosting culture. Cowards ghost people. 

Inconsistency and being blatantly ignored does not feel good. I hate the wishy washy, text me everyday to not talking to me at all type. What happened? What changed? Greener grass? I don't know how interest wanes. I don't know when people became so calloused. I don't understand how people became so disposable. Trying to figure it all out is boring.

I've been through a lot and I have learned that life is not complicated and things should be simple- an organic back and forth where communication is key. Maybe I'm naive, but I am full of love. My vision is clear and my intentions are pure. I know myself and have spent enough time alone. I cannot wait to meet someone who vibrates on the same wavelength as I do. Someone who will stay and who will consistently want to get to know me. To show up and be there and to give me, us, a chance to see how awesome life can be together. Someone who wants to adventure the world with me and just simply be present in each other's company. To adventure together all day and then retreat back to our hotel or house and recap it all with one another. Look over all the photos we took of the day and be in awe of the things in the other person's photos that we missed. To be able to cuddle under the stars along beaches with the bluest waters. I want this connection to inspire me to try new things. I want this connection to inspire me to do things I would not otherwise do. I want us to laugh with and at each other. To breathe and to live. To just BE together. And when we are home, I want each mundane day be something fun and magical. Days full of laughter and pure light. I want to elevate this person as they elevate me. Allow them to be their truest self while they pursue their hobbies and while I pursue mine; all the while being each other's cheerleader and biggest fan. I want them to go surfing while I rollerskate along the beach. I want night walks, take out, silly movies, laughing til our bodies hurt, and cuddles. 

I want to know what moves you- what makes you jump and what makes you shake. What makes your heart skip a beat and what breaks you. I want to know what makes you smile and what makes you tick. I want to know your favorite color, your favorite food, your favorite scent, your favorite season, your favorite song, your favorite movie, your favorite memory... I want to know what you despise- your pet peeves and things that boil your blood. I want to know what you are down for and what makes you turn your back. I want this connection to mean something; a connection that leaves your mind and your body tingling even when we are apart. I want this connection to leave an imprint that will put a smile on your face whenever you think of the time we spent together; no matter how brief that encounter was. Connections are timeless.

I want to know your soul. Is that too much? I guess for some people. Some people just aren't ready to truly connect; even when they think they are. 

I've been told I am too intense. I guess it's because I am hardly impressed by anything that when I finally meet someone or encounter something that excites me, I am all about it 100%. Why not? Defense mechanisms? Walls? Fuck all that. Life is too short. Take risks. Connect. Not everyone is ready to step up to the challenge of my intensity, and bless the souls of those who have, but I know the right one will. 

I've been told I fall too fast, too hard. Well, I'd rather take my chances and give one person 100%, than give 10% to 100 people. Maybe it'll break my heart, that seems to be the trend, but hopefully, one day, that person will come and appreciate my 100%.